The Dilemma of My Life

Very rarely can I pull myself out of bed, fetch my notebook & a pen, and write what really goes on in my mind. Even then, I am blank. I don't particularly know where to begin and the end seems endlessly far away. It almost feels as if I am living in a dilemma. Constantly trying to feel better. Doing things that would make my mind happy, my body feeling alright & emotionally won't have another breakdown.

Lately, I have been reading a lot of books, and watching a lot of movies, my eyes aren't visible anymore, only the dark circles around them are, my neck aches and so does my head. But I can't stop. The only way to feel better, as my heart would say to me is, to consume content that I like and to constantly live in the world of books because there's no happiness whatsoever in reality. 

On most days I agree with what my heart suggests. On most days my heart and my mind are on two parallel lines. I love books that talk about the art of nothingness, being present in the present, absorbing life as it is, absorbing your emotions, to letting it pass automatically - very easy to read about, to talk about but when it actually comes to living it, it is super draining & becomes unthinkable. 

There's so much on my mind, that my mind wants the heart to know, but my heart is running away from the truth, constantly believing - "delulu is the only solulu" lol when it has the realization deep down I guess, that it is not the solution. This is the dilemma I was talking about. 

Sometimes, in your mind, you have all kinds of solutions, great remedies for all your problems, you are ready but just can't get your heart to be on the same page. Your heart belongs to some other dimension, a world with clear skies, sunflowers all around, good books, amazing movies, inexplicably beautiful art, and whatnot, constantly refusing the fact that reality is something else. 

Your heart sometimes cannot see straight when your mind does, and you're constantly floating between the two of them, hoping for a life that can be so much better than being in a constant dilemma.